Friday, July 13, 2007

Love and critical thought

Trying to choose a marriage partner is something I think a lot of people are bad at.

Evidence = the increasing number of divorces.

40% of marriages fail. The figure is probably larger because a lot of couples nowadays don't even bother to get formerly engaged.

The explanation is quite simple. The whole idea of marriage is currently based on the concept of love (but in many cases "lust").

Love, feeling, emotion - generally plays havoc with your thinking barometer. Once you start basing your decision making on gut feelings and emotions,  you are inevitably going to be clouding your judgement.

But hey, as Mr Twig said: "Love is not a decision. Its a feeling. If we could decide who we love, life would be a lot more simpler but less magical." hahahahahahahaha.

However, we can indeed attempt to control our feelings. Otherwise we'd have a closet full of crap clothes, shoes, useless hardware accessories, CDs, video games, etc.. :)

It doesn't help that we have 24 hour radio service that broadcasts love songs - virtually idolizing a lover. Read the lyrics of 95% of all the commercial songs now- and its all about the worship of their lover.

Now think about it- if you're going to put your hope, faith, trust, love - in a single person - based on feelings - don't you think its just a disaster waiting to happen?

Its a human being for crying out loud. Humans are inherently flawed... You fall in love with someone - and all your critical thinking faculty just goes straight out the window.

Yet as Aimee Mann sang in "Mr. Harris": Love is Love. You fall in love with the one you love.

But usually thats just the infatuation phase. After spending a good deal of time with that person we can usually come up with a fair evaluation of that person's character. You can improve someone's dress sense. But if that person's a jerk to begin with or worse, a dishonest stubborn headed, person with the integrity of a sieve, there's really not much you can do, except run.

Heehee... as one of the characters in SouthPark exclaimed: "Drop that zero and get yourself a hero".

But when you're in love. You tend to overlook these flaws until its too late sadly. But to prevent this- we really ought to spend some quiet time by ourselves and think the matter through clearly, lucidly, and coldly.

Sit down somewhere quiet and peacefully by yourself. Draw up the pros and cons of that person and seriously think whether putting up with that person's flaws is worth it.

I'd certainly draw the line if that person has a irrational, bad and violent temper and has a tendency for violence. Best thing to do is to drop that relationship straight away. Anyone who has a temper he or she can't control is just a time bomb waiting to go off.

Same goes for someone who has a drug, gambling habit or thinks he's one of the cast of "2fast2furious". Such people are just one step away from destruction.

Paradoxically this makes them extremely appealing to some people - but really, life has enough dangers as it is. The sad thing is the violent people, alcoholics, gambler addicts, druggies, speed idiots, and other zombies - people who have lost selfcontrol - always cause terrible sorrow and harm to the people they love - or to innocent bystanders.



lucky tan said...

A marriage that is not based on love is probably based on dependency.
A woman without income is dependent on her spouse who is a breadwinner.
these marriages can last miserably long ...but what is the point? I thought
one important thing about life and living is the pursuit of HAPPINESS. Happiness
like love is also a feeling.

You're right about not being blinded by love. I've seen it so many times - men and women who expect their spouse to be like Mr. Perfect. After marriage, the flaws become amplified because people live close to each other.

I believe the best way to know your partner is to go backpacking. While bankpacking, things go wrong, money is limited, time is limited, you lose your way, the going gets tough and everything about your partner shows up. ...just like in the amazing race....then you really learn each others flaws.

On the other hand, don't ever fall for someone during a packaged tour where everything is nicely and artificially is just too unreal.

Tammy A said...

hey ym, i agree with you & that is something that many of my friends don't seem to get..

the word 'love' has been misinterpreted since God knows when & the world view is that one must have the 'fall in love' feeling in order to be together. however, i believe 'love' is more than that.

Yauming YMC said...

Hello Tammy,

I do believe in "love at first sight" too. And its just "magic" - when you meet a total stranger and everything falls into place like (snap). Its of course another (less glam) journey to proceed from that moment to something more real (permanent).

As the courtship phase goes on... you find out more stuff about the other person- bad tempers, habits, personal traits... and so we sieve the wheat from the chaff.