Day of Reflection

Yesterday was the day when I realized I have done all I can to help (person x - an older relative ).

I've known this relative since time immemorial. But since the 1990s, this person has just been totally screwing up his life.

I bailed this person out a number of times already over a period of several years in fact. Each time I pray that (person x) would realize the error of his ways and change for the better.

And each time that prayer seems to have been made in vain.

It seems hopeless- the things that (person x) does are just disasters waiting to happen. I've never seen a person more self-deluded, defiant, and just plain stupid. "I'm right. You're wrong" kind of attitude. Unbelievable.

Decision making processes are rarely perfect. You have to allow for errors in judgement. That is the mark of maturity: that when things go wrong- we can stop and reevaluate. Of course, too much self-analysis leads to introspection which leads to doubt which leads to uncertainty.

But decision making is always a balancing act. If we go - hell for leather all the time. And refuse to allow for any clarification or critical thought- we are going to be doomed for failure.

The last few meetings have been most saddening. Not only did (person x) totally forget my previous efforts to help him, but he was just totally obnoxious. No courtesy. No sign of contrition. Just a pure display of pride. When I asked whether this madness would end, I got a definite defiant no. As far as he was concerned- he didn't need my advice.

I pleaded with him, "If you don't manage your risks, you're going to end up in the same place as before. Can't you see you're repeating your mistakes yet again?"

Nope.

I had to walk out before I did something I would regret. I was so angry that I wanted to punch the person in the face. I was that furious. A lot of vile thoughts were brewing in my head. Honestly, he deserves a good beating.

And so I had to do some serious "time out". I had to get away. So I went to see my sports doctor, bought a new pair of running shoes, then saw my physio at Capitol. I tried to go to St. Andrew's cathedral to pray but it was closed. Then I just walked around town feeling mildly suicidal. Yes, I was that mad. :(

I thought of booking myself into Raffles Hotel, and soaking myself in a grandee porcelain tub with golden paw feet on black and white tiled floor - like Sean Connery in The Rock  filled with fragrant rose petals -  and just chill out.

F@#k it. Its not my problem. I didn't cause it.  And I'm damned if I'm going to clean it up for someone else... yet again.

I've realized that you can only do so much- humanely possible.  Then you have to hand the matter over to God and let Him handle the rest.

In the end, I walked into a 24 hour internet gaming cafe and played Company of Heroes until dawn. Something else to occupy my mind with.