Thursday, September 12, 2013

How to be a CHC Christian by James Tan

I thought this was too hilarious not to share. Actually this can apply to most churches unfortunately. I found this amusing because I've spent my entire life living under such a conservative regime. I had to leave the system because I was tired of defending a system that I no longer believed in. I worship a living God, not a book. I disagree with certain aspects of the bible and I can no longer attend a church which believes that the Bible is the absolute Word of God.

I believe that the worship of God should be genuine, heart felt, and not manufactured or fabricated - that's akin to spiritual masturbation. Ask yourself - is your spiritual experience genuine or are you just following the crowd - going along with everyone else? Is it hysterics? Human emotion?

I don't want to be moved by the voice of a man, by some clever words, by atmospherics (the light piano church music), - that is pure theatre, showmanship - and has nothing to do with the power of God.

I want to experience the presence of God - I don't want my religious experience to be manufactured.


How to become a CHC Christian Now! by James Tan.

19 Steps to becoming City Harvest Church member

1. Confess to the world that you love Jesus, and intend to follow Him and devote your life to Him. It does not matter if you do not mean it, just saying it will guarantee acceptance from your CHC brothers and sisters.

2. Acquire the skill of speaking in tongues, get water-baptized and claim you feel that your life has been change. Do not pass on any opportunity to claim that your conversion is attributed to Kong Hee only.

3. Attend all CHC services and events. In case you fail to go to service, follow the service on your iPad, iPhone, or Mac Workbook. Consequently post some willy nilly phrases on your facebook to create the impression that you were in church. If you do not own a iPAd or iPhone, pretend to put money in the envelope yet instead use it to purchase this necessity.

4.Use following rules of conduct during worship:

-- Put your face into the “gaze into eternity” mode: practice to perfection in front of the mirror.

-- Raise your hands in devotion: this part is easy ,just follow your neighbour worshipper.

--Sing along with all the songs. If you do not know the words, pretend as the music is so loud that nobody will tell the difference

--Always stand up when asked to do so, and start to clap frantically when Kong Hee releases the “Let’s-give-the-lord-a-clap” command.

-- Wiping away a tear once in a while and sighing every 4 minutes might get you on the video screen. This earns respect from fellow worshippers

-- Shout “Amen”, “Hallelujah”, “Praise the lord”, “Thank you Jesus” or read the words in bold on the screen out loud, when instructed by Kong Hee.

--This is also the time to put your newly acquired “speaking in tongues” into practice. Don't be nervous and do not hold back, just shut down your brain and make it up as you go along. everybody else does. A few beers before service might help.

--Extra devotional points, and guaranteed camera coverage can be obtained by falling to the floor, shaking your body, laughing frantically while yelling “AH-JAYSUS”

--If any first timers stand up next to you, be the first to welcome them to the greatest church in Singapore. If hot and sexy, hug them.

--Always check who is sitting next to you. Ensure you are seated next to good looking fellow members. Chances are, Kong Hee will ask you to hug them, or hold their hand. And when, no need to hold back, give it a good squeeze as Kong Hee has allowed you to do.

5. Every service, make sure you put a large amount of money in the bucket. Make sure that everyone in your vicinity sees you giving money. Try to get camera attention by letting the tears run from your eyes. If you have no money, pretend, the room is too dark for anybody to notice. Better to keep the money for the cellgroup meeting’s offering, so you can boast how generous you are, and avoid being reported to Kong Hee.

6. When listening to Kong Hee, or your CHC friends, occasionally confuse something they say with something that Jesus had said. This will impress them, and they will think highly of you. Or at least you will not be blacklisted yet.

7. Stop reading the Bible. Only read from your notes from CHC Bible school, or the services. Preferably learn following verses by heart, or have page markers, so you can quickly pull them out:
  1. Malachi 3:10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heavenAND POUR OUT SO MUCH BLESSING THAT THERE WILL NOT BE ROOM ENOUGH TO STORE IT.
  2. Joshua 1:8 for then thou shalt make thy way PROSPEROUS, and then thou shalt HAVE GOOD SUCCESS
  3. Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall PROSPER;
  4. 3 John 1:2 I wish above all things that thou mayest PROSPER and be in HEALTH, even as thy soul PROSPERETH
  6. 2 Cor 8:9 For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was RICH (important to stop the verse right here )
  7. Job 8:5,7and make the habitation of thy righteousness PROSPEROUS. 7 Though thy beginning was small, yet thy latter end should GREATLY INCREASE
  8. Job 22:25 Yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have PLENTY OF SILVER.

Avoid any verses that sound like: suffering of Christ -- Camels going thru needle eyes -- Thou shall be content -- the Son of God had nowhere to lay is head -- Thou shall not add anything to the Word of God -- Only 2 maximum 3 can speak in tongues -- False prophets come with great signs … and discard all the verses where God kills firstborns, pregnant women, as you have not learned to put them into context, it might damage your gullible spirituality.

8. Regularly quote Kong Hee. This will impress other CHC’ers of your “Biblical” knowledge, even if you do not know squat about theology.

9. Believe in all Kong Hee’s, or CHC guest’s revelations, regardless of how silly they may seem. Even if you do not believe in them, just pretend, same as everybody else.

10. Abandon all sound reason and critical thinking. This is imperative. It is not possible to become an honest CHC member if you question Kong Hee’s teachings with reason or scepticism. This would be the fastest way for you to become a “backslider”.

11. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you hate them. You must pretend at all costs, to love your worst enemies even if it kills them in the end. This is even more valid towards NCC and FCBC members. See also next point.

12. Attempt to convert your “unbelieving” friends. This means mainstream Christians, as well as NCC and FCBC non-believers. Make an ass out of yourself to the point of getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and tell them how much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave you fully satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the Devil and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).

13. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against CHC, simply go into denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger. Never submit to them. No worries, after 3 services or so, the Kong Hee mantra “Do not let them hijack your faith” will kick in automatically.

14. If anybody quotes a verse from the Bible that contradicts Kong Hee’s position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of context. The out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult situations and will make it seem that you actually understand the correct context when in fact you don't.

15. Advertise your CHC membership.
Examples: keep a Kong Hee (for the females*) or Sun Ho (for the males*) picture in your wallet or use him as your wallpaper. Always positive to wear Ed Hardy clothes from Christian Audigier or accessories from Skin Couture. * The reverse is not allowed as Kong Hee does not like gay people.

16. Show unconditional support to Kong Hee. If the situation requires, drag banners into service or call to arms on the internet. Violently disagree when accused of idolizing Kong Hee or Sun Ho

17. Marry within the church and send your kids to the free-of charge brainwash sessions in “children’s church. Profess family values. If you catch your hubby cheating on you, never let CHC know. Never get a divorce, regardless of how miserable you both feel. If the news does get out, pray you have money so you can have the Jack Neo treatment.

18. Buy all the "devotional" material that is on offer. Make sure your cell group leader hears about this. If it is Sun Ho developed stuff, buy in 10-fold to ensure extra blessings.

19. The ultimate sacrifice and all time will always be: Give your possessions away to CHC. The Bible says give all you have to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30). Kong Hee is asking every week to give him all your money, to sell your house, car,… Warning: If you do not do this, you are disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this command, Kong Hee will guarantee you a Christian position and you will garner his greatest esteem and respect until the well dries up.

Source: James_Tan_1983

20. Believe that the Bible is the absolute Word of God. Don't think. Just believe even if your conscious is troubled.

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