Thursday, August 29, 2013

What do you do when someone you love turns away

I'm feeling very sad at the moment.

A girl I have affection for refuses to talk to me. She's overseas. I'm here.

I met this girl in Singapore back in June - and suddenly and surprisingly I developed strong feelings for her. The more I got to know her the more I grew to like her.

We were very alike. We liked the same things - even weird obscure things. And I became very attracted to her company. I liked the way she talked. I liked her wit, her banter, her humor.

I thought we had a connection. I felt it. She said she felt it too.

In hindsight perhaps I didn't give it the attention it deserved. I said a couple of dumb things which made her angry. I listened to an idiot friend who gave bad advice and told me she was flattering me, using me. I allowed him to influence me. Why did I do that?

Why am I listening to some idiot and not to my own heart?

I felt something strong for that girl which I've never felt in a long while. And then suddenly, violently, she's disappeared from my life. I told her I'm sorry but its useless she's not listening.

I've been trying to spend the last couple of weeks forgetting about it. But the feeling sits in my mind like an unwanted guest that does not leave.

Meanwhile I'm trapped here in Australia until I can finish off the tax work for my company. Daily I stare at it, and it stares back at me. I'm seriously not cut out for this sort of work. But I have to do it. There is no other alternative.

I just wish she would return my calls, my messages - which I've stopped sending already by the way.

Some of my friends say its stupid. I'm being needy etc.. I'm not playing the game right.

They are right. I'm not playing a game. I like this person. I thought she liked me too. What fucking game are we talking about again? Do we have to play games when we like someone? Why must human behavior be so trivial. Are we adults or children?

Why must we hide our feelings from the people that we love?

But she's gone. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it except try and forget about her.

But I wish she would call me, talk to me.

Does she think about me? Does she miss me? Does she even care? Or was I just a passing fancy to her? A momentary distraction?

I don't even know her reason for not contacting me any more.

Meanwhile I've got a fucking stupid pile of accounting paperwork sits in front of me. Fuck I gotta do it.

Let me end this sad note with an excerpt by a poem from the South American poet, Neruda

Sonnet XVII

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way


There's truth there. I know no other way than to say I have great affection for that girl even though she has left me cold. I'm not suppose to contact her, talk to her to avoid sounding needy, desperate, weak etc. But oh no, I love that little girl. I shouldn't but I do. She lit up my life like fireworks on National Day - then suddenly its all over and blackness fills the sky.

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