Tuesday, August 06, 2013

I fucked up

I met this girl in Singapore back in June. It wasn't love at first sight.

Once I got to know her however - my attraction for her grew strong and stronger. We liked the same things. We shared similar thoughts. We were very alike. I really enjoyed her company, her presence just grew on me like lichen on an ancient granite wall. She liked me too it seems and I became infatuated with her. Infatuated is such a dirty word. ... exceedingly attracted to her?

We went out for lunch and dinner a few times. We kissed. And she mentioned she enjoyed traveling - so I invited her to go for this trip to the South Pacific with me and she agreed enthusiastically. I was ecstatic to say the least.

I started falling for her. And I told her things to her which I shouldn't have. I told her personal things about my life. Terrible things. Stupid things. I sent her no less than ten poems. And I said a few things which were absolutely outrageous and idiotic.

I even wrote an erotic story with the island as a background about her - good grief, what was I thinking?

Finally she had enough and she told me off. She said I was scaring her and that my feelings were just too much. She just wanted to be friends and was worried I was taking things too far. I apologized and I thought that was that.

I really should have seen that coming. I was barraging her on whatsapp with all the inconsequential details of my life. And when she didn't reply I would send more messages to her. I must have seemed to be like a 14 year old boy. What a fool I was. But I apologized and resisted from messaging her, except for the occasional stupid message sent at 6am.

That must have confirmed the worse suspicions about me.

My friends warned me that she wouldn't go. And advised me to ask her point blank whether she was OK in going or not. One of them said that she would most likely pull out at the very last minute. He was also skeptical of her - and I'm afraid I let some of his cynicism rub off me.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have asked and found out more. But I just wanted to go with the flow. So far she did not give me any indication that she was bailing on the trip.

Last week, to my delight, she still assured me she was going for this trip to Niue and preparing for it. I was delighted and reminded her to make sure her passport was up-to-date and to get travel insurance etc..

Then on Friday, I received a curt message:

"I can't make it for this trip sweetie. Sorry."

No excuse. No reason. Initially I was furious. Later however after quiet reflection, I can imagine why she did it that way.

I should have been prepared for this. But after getting the assurance last week that she was up for the trip. I was devastated.

Suddenly all my emotions spilled over. I practically begged her to come on this trip. I harangued her on that whatsapp platform. And then she blocked me.

Mind you I didn't swear or curse her. I was upset. I felt betrayed. To be honest if she had told me earlier on that she was coming I would have been prepared to accept it. But not after she had told me she was still excited about the trip just days earlier. WTF happened seriously?
I had worried that something like this would happen. I'm not a terribly cool person and when I'm nervous I said the most godawful things. I don't keep my feelings in check. If I like someone I say it. I don't hold back. Sigh. FM.

Some of my friends told me to just forget about her - some told me to send a more abusive messages to let her know how pissed off I was. One of my male friend told me that she was never coming in the first place and that she was just using me - leading me on.

I shouldn't listen to them. They were not there when I was with her nor did they talk to her.

I look back on our conversations and the small times we shared and I do believe that her affection for me was genuine.

But there lies the problem - she regards me as a friend whereas I had made it perfectly obvious I wanted more from the relationship.

I could have toned down my emotions. I should have done more to hide my feelings. I should have behaved more like an adult than a child.

But I'm upset that I upset her.

I fucked up.

Postscript 18th August

I'd be lying if I said I just want to be her friend. Obviously I like her a lot - we seem to share a lot of things in common and I do enjoy her company. You could meet a thousand people - in my case with my own peculiar interests in WW2 History, porcelain, fine art, architecture, films, etc..  - one hundred thousand and not meet a person like her. And now she's gone.

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