Its a hard choice. And not many people get it right (the first time) - as seen by the rising number of divorces and single people around.
The problem to a certain extent is ironically - "choice". In the past, people's spouses were determined by outsides forces - ie parents or clan and custom. (In certain parts of the world, esp. in Middle Eastern societies - women have no choice in the matter - and have to marry their cousins or distant kinsman).
The whole idea of divorce was anathema. Women were forced to stick with their men by law and custom. King David, for example, had many wives - but his wives couldn't have sexual relations with other men. Then there is Judah and Tamar, David + Uriah's wife.... Tainted men still used by a Holy God but that's another story.
In the Bible its written that God took from Adam's ribs and formed Woman. God didn't take from the feet so that she would be under him. God didn't take from Adam's seed so that she would be a sexual plaything for him. God didn't take from Adam's head so that Eve would be over him.
God took from Adam's ribs - so that Eve would be close to his heart.
In some respects, life for women - in modern society - has vastly improved. No longer are they the property of their fathers, husbands, tribe or clan. No longer are Japanese peasants selling their daughters to brothels to pay for their debts to rice merchants. No longer are European princess beheaded or imprisoned because their Prince wants another wife to bear a son. No longer do women have to put up (and remain silent) with a husband who is unfaithful, abusive, a drunkard, a wife-beater or just an obnoxious vile arsehole. Abuse takes various forms.
For modern men - they face a problem. The divorce courts (in western societies) usually favor the female - even if she is the one at fault. The other problem is the feminist movement. Too often men marry women and end up finding they've married another guy - ie someone who wants to wear the pants in the house. I seen it before - guys who get bossed around by their wives - being treated like a dog. Its ugly from both sides of the fence.
So what's it all about?
Question: who the heck are you getting married to? That's an important question. Do you know the person well? Are you overlooking their faults, ie. pride, anger, jealousy, envy, lust, selfishness, bitterness? Honestly, if the person has serious problems in any of those prime areas, shout fire-in-the-hold and run away. Its probably going to get worse.
Marriage is like taking a very long long distance car ride. You want a car and fellow passengers that are OK (well, more than OK) and can stand the distance. If not, you could very well be stranded on a desert road and facing a long walk to the end alone.
I like the silence test. Do you enjoy being in the presence of the girl? Can you enjoy the moments of silences with her. Are you comfortable being in each other company? That's not easy. Some people can't even stand being alone by themselves.
Yeah, whatever you do - don't marry purely for love. Love meaning - the modern sense - an emotion, a feeling - not St. Paul's definition of love. Humans are fickle. Emotions change. Beauty fades. And please stop listening to the love songs that are regularly played on the radio. They'll just brainwash you into marrying someone without thinking it through carefully. The other thing about love songs is that they usually idolize the lover - placing them in the same place as God. "I love you. I want to be close to you. I can't live without you....blah blah." Its true, think about it. Your lover is not God. Its just another fallible human being. Don't put them on a pedestal.
Direction issues. Where is the person heading and can you deal with it? There are some very silly people who buy a sports car - then complain every bloody second about the relatively high fuel consumption and maintainace costs. There are also some people who marry and then expect their partner to be different, very different. If you're going to marry a high flying executive - it should cross your mind that the person would probably be spending more time at the job than with you. If you're going to marry a bimbo who is a Paris Hilton wannabe - you should be prepared to pay for her high spending ways.
If you're going to marry a whale hunting, ocean going sailor, you should realize that the bugger would be spending a considerable part of his life out at sea - hunting whales. It doesn't matter whether the bugger is hotter than Brad Pitt - but if you can't reconcile that part of his life with yours - then surely why the hell are you in that relationship?
Let's cut to the chase. Marry someone who respects you - someone who will help you - someone who you enjoy doing things with - someone who truly loves you - and fits the description in Paul's letter to the Corinthians - love is patient, kind etc.. Love is a partnership. Its about giving and taking. You're got to see whether the other person has what it takes to deal with your own character. Example - if you're a girl and hate cleaning - marry a man who loves to clean. (There are actually people who enjoy doing that.haha)
And for God sake don't marry someone who is a nutjob who has major anger, bitterness, pride, selfish issues or worse, a violent temper. Strike them off your dating list. Its like buying a car that has a serious engine and brake defect for a long road trip. You're gonna live to regret it.
15 comments:
Sometimes you can't choose the person you're attracted to. Behind that perfect person you found could be some serial killer but what can you do?
Affairs of heart work in strange ways (sometimes we called it Fate or Destiny)... people stay with people who are not good for them and whom they couldn't/ wouldn't leave for various reasons... that perfect relationship with a person whom you love, you respect, you enjoy his/ her company... and vice versa often seem to exist only in that faraway land where Cindrella lived with her prince. So we mostly compromise with that not-so-perfect person and try to make do so that we'd not be alone (not necessary not lonely)...
thanks for sharing :) there is no perfect love but I am sure there is true love. There is no such thing as the one, just find someone you can get along with and it will be just fine. Give and take....compliment each other in life :))
well there are about 5 billion people out there; I'm sure we can find something more suitable. haha
Yes people are often attracted to the wrong lovers. I think its got to do with psychology. Thats why some women who had abusive fathers marry abusive men.
What if you marry for all the right reasons, and the bugger decides one day that he's bored and marriage life doesn't suit him? How long do you wait (and see and hope for change) before you give up?
Well, human can change over time. Nobody can guarantee anything nowadays. Think it takes two to tango, so both parties must put in effort to maintain the marriage.
And if only one party is putting in effort and the other one is not reciprocating? how long do you wait before you decide to move on?
That's hard to say really. All partnerships are not necessarily equal. I prefer to see it in terms of roles - father/mother husband/wife... but in today's modern society the roles are quite non-distinct. But that's a tough choice to make - esp if there are children involved. I'd say temporary separation would be an early step - as it would give both parties to think things through in isolation.
You're very positive :) In that 5b population there should be someone for everyone... but how would they find each other amongst that 5b crowd? Maybe the problem is the 5b population! :P
It's probably not a definition of time but of feelings... when the person feels it's all lost and no longer feels hopeful that the relationship would be revived?
Suggests see a marriage counsellor to work things out.....if really cannot salvage the situations......guess the last resort is to file for divorce if realy lost the feelings. Time to let go and move on, don't hold on anymore.
Why? Don't you believe that two lovers fated for each other - will meet for the first time - their eyes will glance across a crowded room filled with 5 billion people. And somehow they know they are meant for each other for all eternity ;( (cue theme of Rimsky's Scheherazade)
You really think so?!?! Love at first sight. I don't know any such romance in real life that led to life-long marriage and happiness... maybe that is why I am a skeptic :)
It happens. Like winning lottery I guess. But when it does. It will be so magical. no?
I suppose... that would be a miracle especially if it leads to "living happily everafter".
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