I've been waking up really early the past couple of weeks. Usually its because my body is trying to use my blanket to pitch a tent. I feel unusually energetic. Been going running a fair bit. But it does take a big motivational push for me to just go in this winter weather.
Its Winter now in Melbourne. Temperature was around 5C last night. You can catch a cold just by going to the bathroom.
Still, waiting up in the early morning represents something unusual for me.
The build up in exercise and the ease in which I'm starting to do chin ups is also pretty amazing. I feel better than I have felt in years.
I think this change over me might be attributed to this girl I met in Singapore. She's pretty. She's young. Whats more important she has a charming personality. And she likes the same sort of strange stuff I like - old houses, vintage porcelain, art, and Wes Anderson films - good heavens, I proposed to her on the spot (in jest) when I heard that. She laughed. We are so alike.
I click with her. But I'm not so sure that she clicks with me. She has certainly done things which makes me think she does. The sort of things about her life that she shares with me. The trust that she places upon me.
Unfortunately I tend to fuck things up. I talk too much. I reveal too much stupid information about myself and generally, as one of my friends observe behave like a 13 year old. In my defense, its been a long while since I've had some form of a relationship with a female. I said things to her which made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe it was the super-detail updates of my life, maybe it was the 10+ poems I sent her.
I can't help it. Some guys burp. Some guys buy flowers. I write poetry when I like someone. It just happens.
She's backing off now and there's not a thing I can do about it.
To me that's the frustrating part. She's overseas as well.
And the more shit I sent to her the more distant she will get.
I hope she just wants sometime alone to think.
We don't exactly have a normal relationship. And she had a huge tragic breakup last year. I also need some freaking direction in my life now as I'm finding myself unable to live in Australia any more. Both of us are not ready for anything concrete I don't think.
So I surrendered myself to the fact that she has her own mind. And that right now she needs to decide where she wants to go.
To be honest I'm happy that we remain just friends. I'd really get upset if she determined in her mind that I was a creep and refused to see me or even talk to me. I don't want to lose our friendship even if she decided to see someone else.
I guess I'm in love. But she doesn't feel the same way - and that's OK. I gotta step my emotions down a bit. And so I've decided to even stop texting her and wait for her reply. Its been about 4 days since her last reply.
Its all a bit agonizing. But yeah, I'm letting go and working at being at peace with whatever outcome - good or bad.